ToL » The Chronicles of Anything » Chapter 1 - Saga 1

Chapter 1 - Saga 1

DarkGuardian was lazily wandering around the edge of the forest, still within the Realm of Anything, searching for something new around here, something worthwhile for an adventurer of his caliber. Sometimes he was rather dissatisfied with the local folk, nowadays mostly drifters and kids it seems.

He stops walking, thinking he heard something. He squints, as if that’ll help him listen. His hand is already grasping his weapon, naturally, a reflex action honed from many years of intense combat experience. Though he wasn’t as likely as other to engage in a flaming melee, he knew he could hold his own if necessary. He continued listening, and scanning the area around him.

But careful sensory discernment isn’t needed here, as an Army of barbarians begins yelling and whooping in the distance, coming over the nearest large hill, led by a gigantic Troglodyte known as Archer with his giant Bow of Flaming, already lit and ready. They’re headed straight for the forest, and fast.

DG cursed under his breath and climbed a nearby tree, wishing to casually avoid the stampede soon to come below.

But it was in vain, for Archer’s big ugly sweaty nose was capable of smelling anything, and this it did, as he sniffed the air, carefully at first, then going about it like a pig at trough.

“Halt!”

The ragamuffin band circled around him, worshipping at his feet, “What is it my lord, my master…”

“There is trouble in Anything.“

The minions gasped and their eyes rolled back into their skulls in horror, moaning in agony for their precious realm, as DG just sighed. Archer was a Mod, a powerful one at that. Many threads fell under his fury. DG was a part of many threads, even now possibly in danger…

“Heh. Time for a smiting, right boys?”

The demons cheered, clapping their pus-festering hands together in a concerto of malevolence.

Archer drew an arrow and begin scanning the forest canopy for prey.

He grinned, spotting DarkGuardian.

DG muttered something else, now hastening his climb, but he knew it was in vain, for Archer’s arrows didn’t settle for merely piercing flesh, no, they were more like cruise missiles as seen through a carnival mirror.

Archer prepared to fire, his followers maniacally giggling in anticipation.

But just before the projectile could be unleashed, a voice cried out from the heavens and declared “No.”

Archer’s eyes snapped open wide as he trembled to his knees in fear, teeth practically chattering, one name now consuming his thoughts.

Todd…

“Leave ‘im alone, Trog.”

Archer meekly nodded, his followers frozen, afraid they’d be utterly smote if they made the slightest move. One’s face was turning blue from the breath he was holding.

“I have a better idea for you. A grand purpose.”

Archer quizzically raised an eyebrow, slowly rising to his feet. His followers quietly chattered amongst each other, wondering what it could mean.

Then the voice entered Archer’s mind, where no one else could hear.

Listen closely…

DarkGuardian, not being an idiot, hopped out of the pine and hit the ground running like the freakin’ Road Runner.

*

Later…

DarkGuardian sits at the bar, proudly holding his head up in an effort to not appear so obviously short. The odd-looking barkeep looks down at him, the usual what’ll it be, DG deciding on the cheap mushroom ale. The half elf, half dwarf barkeep shrugs, fetching a mug.

The guardian of the caves slowly turns his head in each direction, inconspicuously scanning the dim room. He thinks he recognizes a few faces, but can’t be sure. At any rate, he’s safe here. Archer’s much more likely to fill up at the Mod Lounge. Nevertheless, better safe than sorry. DG grins, remembering the crossbow Drex keeps behind the bar. He’d love to pop a shaft up Archer’s nostril. DG wonders how many dozen arrows would fit.

Above the usual tavern din, DG manages to hear someone enter the bar. He listens intently, slowly lowering his hand toward the handle of his weapon.

Whoever it is, he isn’t making an effort to sneak up on DG, as within seconds he’s hopped onto the very stool beside him.

“Hey Guard.”

The being grins, his teeth revealed to be blackened, cracked, or missing. His breath is like especially horrid flatulence, and even his eyes are horribly ugly, being a putrid shade of ochre. His crooked, obviously-broken-several-times nose slowly leaks snot towards his upper lip. His skin is sickly gray, his forehead unevenly wrinkled, hair greasy and knotted, with bare patches. Flaky, even. He belches, and you can actually see noxious green gas escape his throat, as he licks his lips with a green tongue topped with scars that haven’t quite yet stopped bleeding.

Already it’s apparent that this is CardinalFang, the nastiest minion in all of Archer’s Army.

“Uh, hey Fang…”

DG fidgets nervously. He’s pretty sure he’d be dead by now if that’s why CFang was here.

“How’s the Army these days?”

He tries to manage a friendly smile, while also trying not to vomit at CF’s BO.

“Oh, it sucks. Yep. Archer even left.”

DG’s ears perk up a bit.

“You heard Todd, and then Archer was nodding his head like Todd was whispering to him or something. Then the good ol’ Trog ran off, giggling like a schoolgirl.”

DG doesn’t bother to nitpickingly ask how the heck he knew it was him in the tree back there.

Then the wretched demon actually sheds a tear for the departed Troglodyte King, a milky drop now sliding down his cheek. He wipes it off with one of his pus-oozing hands, the festering mass only making his face messier than it already was, if that’s possible. When he does this, DG notices an especially huge boil on his hand, swollen, starting to peel.

“Uh…” He merely points to it.

CFang’s eyes widen, and he gives a huge grin. “Ah!”

He then vigorously bites into the boil, the bloody snotty pus exploding into his mouth, a few drops hit the bar, one falls on DG’s knee. CFang then begins sucking and slurping the remaining stump of a wound, moaning in delight, eyes rolling back into his head, all the signs of ecstasy.

DG can only wince and hold his stomach. “Fang, that’s… that’s officially the most disgusting thing I have ever, ever seen.”

“Agreed. Here’s your drink.” Apparently Drex has been standing there for a minute now, dumbfounded.

The wretched creature, done sucking his wound, now sits up attentive at the site of the barkeep.

‘“Drexlin! You’re’’ the bartender here?” “Yep.” “I thought you were doing that Guess The Card thing?” “Ah, no, another guy does that now.” ‘’’

*

‘’Somewhere else, many people are sitting around a table, watching a stout Dwarf shuffle a deck of cards, than pick one. He then gives the first hint, “Hearts.” Every being around the table shouts their guesses, “Jack of hearts, five of hearts, twelve!!!”

The dwarf takes a deep sigh and shakes his head, offering another hint, “Two.”

The shouts begin again, “Four of hearts! That’s two times two!! No, it’s the King, no- Joker! Eight of spades? That’s my favorite card… no, it’s BRINDLE!!”

While the group has a good laugh, the dwarf buries his head in his hands, sobbing bitterly, muttering something like “I could be with my miniatures right now…”

Back in the realm of Anything… ‘’

*

A tall being with a funny hat slowly enters the tavern. A nearby elf cries “Hey yoyo!” and thus is quickly beaten to a bloody pulp. YOYOY calmly cleans his club off and walks up to the bar, sitting next to DG.

“I’ll have what he’s having!” He smacks DG on the back, laughing. DG just looks at him funny.

Drex hands him a mug of mushroom ale and YOYOY stares at it suspiciously. He takes a quick whiff and slams the frothy mug on the bar. “Okay you advocate of lycanthropes, where are you?”

He turns on the stool and glares, finding the said advocate at a table with a bunch of penguins, grinning. YOYOY quickly draws his club and goes to war on AOL and the penguins. Not a single person in the bar notices.

‘’‘“So, um, Fang, why are you here, anyway?” “Oh yeah, I was supposed to tell you that Ter-Soth is coming.” ‘’’

DG about falls to the floor, grabbing his weapon and nodding to Drex who grabs his heavy crossbow and loads it. Drex then breaks a bottle on the bar to get everyone’s attention, shouting “Hope you’re all armed ‘cause we have an Abyssal on the way!”

Everyone in the bar abruptly takes cover, draws a weapon, or grabs some popcorn in preparation for a good show. CardinalFang just starts laughing, gasping for air, sprawled across the bar.

”’‘’What’s your problem?” “It’s just that… HAHAHA… I didn’t mean that Ter-Soth…’‘’”

But it was too late. As Ter-Soth entered, he was met with a few dozen projectiles. Throwing daggers, fireballs, arrows, penguin poop, you name it.

DG quickly runs over to the body, “Are you okay?” The prone frame then sits up, brushing himself off as well as he can. “Geez, what’d I do?” DG could now tell he was just a boy scout, and went back up to the bar.

“So Fang, why would I care about a boy scout? Why follow me to the bar to tell me he’s coming?” The ugly thing just shrugs, ”I dunno.”

DarkGuardian sighs, obviously annoyed and growing weary of Anything.

© Eric Bailey

Search