Chapter 2 - Saga 1
DarkGuardian strolled up to the castle gate, waiting for the inevitable bellowing voice from within. ‘’‘Who goes there? DarkGuar- Before entering, you must answer a Question! ‘’’ DG rolled his eyes. ‘’‘How many wizards does it take to screw- Just let me in YOYOY or I’ll lop off that goofy head of yours.’‘’ Silence, for a moment. Good answer! The portcullis rose and DG entered.
Upon crossing the threshold, our favorite little adventuring dwarf was met with a surprise, for apparently he wasn’t the only one who’d received an invitation. He recognized CardinalFang in the corner lapping up his own vomit, and at a nearby table against the wall sat two NoThRoG playing chess.
‘’‘So Acid_Flux, how does Michael Jackson pick his nose? I dunno Sethusk, how? From a catalog! ‘’’ Both laugh. ‘’‘You think Archer should get a new one? A new nose? Yeah. If I had a honker like that I’d shoot myself. Shoot yourself, haha … So, what’s your stance on gun control?’‘’
Soon enough YOYOY himself came downstairs. Ah, welcome DarkGuardian He insisted on sporting a huge grin after ever single thing he said. Who’s all coming? DG queried. YOYOY thought for a moment. We’ll see. Another big grin.
The entrance still open, another entered, Drexlin from the tavern. I come bearing drinks! A cheer from the motley crew as they mobbed Drex for some decent liquid refreshment. Just make sure Advocate_of_Lycanthrope hasn’t peed in any of it, warned YOYOY as a cyborg penguin giggled outside. ‘’‘Speaking of which, where is he?
Right here!’‘’ the newest guest said. ‘’‘Ah, and you have your penguins? Mostly, yeah. Good.’‘’ YOYOY flashed a large smile.
Another being soon entered, immediately addressing the master of the castle with a hearty YO YO YO wassup WASSUP?!? YOYOY drew his club and promptly beat the living crap out of the newcomer and threw his corpse into the moat. He then cleaned off his club, grinning, as a much more welcome personality arrived.
Someone order a mech? A giant, bizarre mechanical contraption barged in, barely fitting in the room. Ah, JWalker, yes, I’m sure we can make good use of it. The metallic beast stopped, everyone in the room but YOYOY still frozen in fear. What is that, that thing? Sethusk quivered. YOYOY laughed. Don’t worry, it’s in good hands. JWalker here’s the best mech jockey around. Probably the only mech jockey around…
A squirrel scampered in next. Oh, crap, he chattered in a humorously high-pitched voice, I’m in the wrong place, ain’t I? Which way’s General? YOYOY shook his head and merely pointed, grinning. The rodent quickly sped off.
OH NO!! CardinalFang yelled, looking out a tall window. What is it? YOYOY asked. Ter-Soth’s coming!!
DarkGuardian groaned. ‘’‘Not funny anymore, Fang. But I’m serious this time!! Ter-Soth, the Abyssal himself!! ‘’’ CFang then peed himself, as if to authenticate his report. Not a pretty sight, considering he was naked, and the urine was thick and lumpy, slowly sliding down his legs, chunks floating along.
Acid_Flux pulled a small crossbow out of a holster, trying to **** it but having a bit of trouble as every time he tried to **** it the only result would be asterisks appearing.
DG unsheathed his battleaxe and grit his teeth, ready for action. Advocate grabbed a penguin and roasted it, ready for dinner.
A shadowy being set foot outside, and as soon as he was in full sight Acid hit ‘im three times, twice in the chest, once in the head. After doing so he started humming, to the shores of Tripoli…
The being fell forward into the light. Everyone immediately recognized it as a boy scout, then realized that it was, indeed, Ter-Soth.
Thought you said you were serious this time?!? DG yelled at CFang, who could only laugh maniacally in response, wetting himself some more, leaving a terrible mess on the fine marble floor.
YOYOY smacked himself in the face, muttering From now on, absolutely no more bodily functions… Advocate, would you STOP it already?!? Penguin boy rolled his eyes and zipped his pants back up, setting the mug on the table. YOYOY pulled out his club and tackled AOL, as they ruthlessly fought while absolutely nobody noticed.
Ter-Soth slowly stood up, neatly tugging the bolts out of his body. Thanks a lot, DumbAcid. Sethusk looked up from the game. You two know each other? Ter-Soth and Acid_Flux glared at each other, simultaneously and curtly replying No.
DG was again growing impatient. So why are we here, anyway? YOYOY grinned. I have it from a very good source that Archer the nefarious Troglodyte has gone stark raving mad, and is tearing across the countryside in a rampage. He must be stopped. I’ve recruited you all to go with me and meet this threat head-on before it’s too late.
DG, guardian of the Dwarven caves, seasoned adventurer, surveyed the room. All he could see was a chess player, a boy scout, a technomantic nightmare, a penguin commander, a goofy-looking hat, a barkeep, the most disgusting creature he’d ever laid eyes on, and himself. He could only chuckle. Oh. Well. Great. That’s just, gravy. Hey, this’ll be fun. Troglodyte King, a Mod no less, his Army, and us. Right. Okey dokey. Let’s roll. He smiled, oblivious, sarcastic, wondering if he was the one going stark raving mad. Marching out the door, he cheerily cried Let’s go!
Sethusk remained to keep watch over the estate while the others followed DG to who-knows-where. Acid_Flux chimed in as they had been traveling for a minute, Hey, who elected you leader of this outfit anyway?
DG turned back to the group and everyone stopped. ‘’‘Excuse me? I don’t see anyone else questioning my lead. Well then let’s take a vote, shall we? Yeah Who says I, JWalker, master mech pilot should be leader?’‘’ Nobody said a word or moved a muscle. Or I, commander of the penguin fleet? Advocate smiled and danced pathetically as every wing in the penguin horde was raised.
Well while you all debate who should lead, I’m moving on. DG shook his head and started marching away from the group. ‘’‘Yeah, look at the great leader now, leaving us here to- Acid if you question my authority one more time I’m banning you from the Dwarven Caves.’‘’ DG gave him a wicked stare as Acid chuckled. You can’t, remember? You’re not a Mod! DG fumed. YOYOY grinned. I probably would be if it weren’t for that Stalker. If I ever get my hands on that guy… Ter-Soth whistled innocently.
Geez… why don’t each of you stop whining and get moving or I’ll smite you all? The earth trembled for a moment following the thunderous voice from the heavens. Todd Almighty himself.
Each member of the party pondered this for a second, deciding to shrug and keep on. Drexlin asked Who wants drinks? and all differences were forgotten. The Fellowship was on its way. YOYOY grinned as they moved onward toward certain confrontation.
© Eric Bailey