ToL » The Chronicles of Anything » Chapter 26 - Saga 4, Conundrum

Chapter 26 - Saga 4, Conundrum

Journey to the Caves

* ”This way.”

The elf led, group following him through thick shrubbery and foliage in an odd forest. Soon, they encountered a path, thin but well-tread. The others were amazed, yet again, at the tracking and sensory abilities of master Stormcrow. Yewbow had taken rear guard duty, bow at the ready, minimal nervous twitching. Those in between the bow wielders struck idle conversation.

“Did you guys listen to him?” Drexlin asked. “I mean, before he left. Always muttering, talking to himself, I doubt he even realized he was doing it. That faraway look in his eyes, as if his demonic soul and human body were conversing. Eerie stuff, especially when he kept mentioned the awful war to come, and the message, and this artifact that… that I’m still holding.”

“We should’ve killed him when we had the chance!”

“Shut up, runt.” DarkKnightZach addressed the dodo familiar firmly, making sure NirvanaTool knew who was running things between them. “This could mean the end of everything, of Anything.”

“Again?” CardinalFang rolled his eyes. “Every other day, Anything is doomed! On its way out! Oh, woe unto us, amidst the dark days of a doomed realm! Please, spare me the Armageddon talk. I don’t know why I bother-“

“Because the threat’s always been real, and it’s always taken a determined effort to prevent our end. We’ve lost many to time and trials, but those of us still standing had to fight valiantly to be here. You know that, Fang, just as well as I do. You should be ashamed, brushing off our history.”

“Eh, sorry Drex. I just mean, I was never the heroic type.”

“You’ve had your moments.”

“As have we all.”

DKZ sighed heavily, the few others taking pause as he continued. “What faces won’t be around to see next year? Who’s voice will we miss? It’s all taking a toll on me.”

NirvanaTool chuckled. “On you? Putz! What about that YOYOY chap? Half-dead nowadays, already died once, now his ‘living’ consists of bringing on the end of the world and vomiting ever hour on the hour. Like an absurd kind of macabre countdown, marking the time ‘til we all kick the pearly bucket and enter the tin gates of an old rowdy wild west tavern. That’s my kind of heaven, yeah!”

The threesome standing head and shoulders above him exchanged glances of concern and confusion, in silent agreement to change the subject. Drexlin chuckled.

“Drink break when we find the scribe.”

“Good of you buddy, but my anal seepage will do just fine. In fact, if I could even have some of yo-“

“If you finish that sentence you’ll find your skull separated from your spine by Deverenian steel in mid-blink.”

“Heh, alright Zach, but you should really learn to lighten up sometimes.”

“I’m not the crazy lizard man up front who-“

“I heard that.”

The dodo giggled.

“Aw Zach, ya disappointin’ me. You talk about loppin’ the ugly’s cue ball off, then you back down like a curly kitty. What’s got your trolley-a-go in a hitch? You used to be all about rippin’ up the ol’ noodle. Ah, it’s Lund, isn’t it? You miss your teddy terror bear, your ironic security blanket. Why, I bet you don’t feel half-well having not slipped him a jug-slit for a bit many moontides now-“

“Good holy Todd birdboy, shut your piehole! I swear, you’ve gotten crazier than YOYOY-“

“Careful there. I’ll beak you. Beak beak beak!”

“You say one more word and-“

”We’re there. Or, rather, he’s here.”

The seasoned elf craned his gaze upwards, the others following suit, yewbow catching up and surmising the situation, following suit. Above them on a quite long limb sat the chronicler himself, grinning. He was quite a ways up, but this obviously didn’t bother him.

“Hello down there. Miss me? Apparently so. I’ve been off. Do forgive me. Had a pressing matter elsewhere.”

“YOYOY, with all due respect, I thought this matter at hand was the most pressing thing in all the realms?”

“Ah, it is. Why else would I return to you?”

“You didn’t return! We’re the ones who had to find-“

”Actually Drexlin, this path we’re on happens to be a shortcut to the Dwarven Caves. I’d dare to guess he knew what he was doing all along. Perhaps a small delay, but we’re on the right track nonetheless. He could’ve taken us days, even weeks further from our destination. But he knew I’d track him here.” Drexlin frowned for a moment, then shrugged. “If you come down now we can all have a drink break. Then it’s an earnest end to our journey to the caves.

“Sounds great, old friend.”

And with that, the seemingly jolly YOYOY slipped off the limb, crashing violently into the ground. This, too, didn’t bother him, as he merely sat up after a minute, still smiling. The others weren’t sure whether this worried them more or less.

*

“How much longer, mateys? I reckon these Cavey things’ll be a tad delightful. What’s the hold-up, bags of bones? For the crack team that saved our realm in a single night, by caravan I’m eating slug-dust and getting turtle-taunted, ain’t that a jocular notion? Seriously though, let’s get all speedy-feet before I start molting again! It hurts sometimes…”

The party continued ignoring the Zach’s dodo follower, as they had been for quite some time now. Drexlin walked beside CardinalFang, speaking in a hushed whisper.

“Actually, maybe it was even more planned than even Stormcrow thinks. Remember, all the word spreading about YOYOY’s… condition? I think his absence of late has done some good to dissuade the rumors and all.”

“Rumors? Fact, you mean. What was spreading was absolute fact. He’s mad. Completely, utterly, over-the-top bananas crazy. But, I guess he’s possessed or whatever. I still don’t quite understand-“

“Neither does he-“

“- Nor am I at all comfortable with being in presence of the Lord of Hades. I mean, do any of you realize how powerful graveghoul is? Our past adventure or two ring a bell?”

“That’s why we’re marching to the Caves.”

“Oh, right, because graveghoul told YOYOY to deliver a Message and take note of this Artifact which may or may not lead to a war between persons unknown that could potentially destroy the realm of Anything. Right, that’s why. What was I thinking, being a tad confused and concerned?”

“I was just trying to talk, Fang.”

“Eh. Yeah, alright. Maybe he’s more clever than we think, I’ll give you that. But I doubt it.”

He managed a chuckle.

*

“Oh. Wow.”

Drexlin’s jaw dropped, as others shuffled past him and froze in turn. They’d reached the edge of the forest area, where the path led into a wide valley, mountains to either side and another in the distance. Stormcrow slyly smiled, recognizing the eventual entrance to the Dwarven Caves and closer than they knew.

Clouds overhead rolled, a thin gray veiling their surfaces. Sunrays poked through in spots, lending a spectacular valley site amidst the snow mist. White-capped peaks and tree line vegetation dotted their views, as each member of the valiant party took a minute or so to just appreciate the view.

“Onward!”

It was YOYOY, laughing excitedly as he bounded forward ahead of the group, released from the relative close comfort of the forestry.

“C’mon guys!”

He ran off, CardinalFang growing uneasy. They hadn’t seen open sky for a while, and now he felt vulnerable. As if even Todd himself could strike from the skies, or any manner of unknown barbaric denizens. Were there any dark dwarves in this valley pass, perhaps assassin scouts awaiting the arrival of fresh meat?

He took a deep breath and strode forward, driving such thoughts from his mind. However, he couldn’t help but notice the skies darkening above. Thunder began to roll in the distance, as the vaporous entities seemed to grow and darken, as if alive. He vividly imagined them as predators, having spotted delicate prey on the ground below. CFang became increasingly anxious, eyes darting about, quickly looking back to his supposed safety of the woods.

“Um, guys, does anyone else feel like we should go back? Just for a night, in the forest, with the kind trees…”

”Fear not, my impish friend. I only suspect we’ll have some rain.”

Even as Stormcrow spoke, water began to pour down from the heavens, no ordinary rain, but one that howled. Cloaks were tightened, hoods drawn, eyes squinting even as puddles already formed. Boots plodded through mud.

YOYOY’s countenance was changing, his usual grin fading in favor of something more ominous. The writer’s eyes glazed over, as he spoke quietly to those now caught up with him.

“This is not natural.”

Yewbow stopped in his tracks, staring up into a group of trees along a mountain ridge to the west. He continued staring, until he was absolutely sure. A funny sort of migration.

“The trees are moving.”

“What?”

“Barkeep, I’m telling you, the trees are moving. They’re coming down this way-“

“Over there, too.”

“From all sides…”

Their pace, which had slowed, now quickened. Increasing fear and trepidation was replaced with a desire to simply leave the place. Surely they’d be safe within the fair Dwarven city. Stormcrow, retaking point position, halted suddenly.

”Don’t. Move.”

The group behind him froze, all peering ahead, trying to discern the source of the elven adventurer’s warning. After a moment they found it, a large wolf ahead, and walking towards them.

“It’s just a dog, my hearties! Come and let’s give it a treat, down the throat indeed! Zachy my boy can kill the pup just as well, it’s al-“

Even the dodo was silenced when the wolf began to howl.

”That’s no ordinary wolf. There is a druid about. Draw weapons.”

Yewbow, who’d said hardly a word through the valley, was first to rapidly draw his bow and begin scanning their surroundings. Drexlin followed suit, revealing a newly refurbished heavy crossbow. YOYOY drew his shiny club, CardinalFang forming lumps of biohazard as Zach drew his dueling razor daggers.

Stormcrow, in stark contrast, drew his bow and notched it with great deliberation. He watched as the wolf left to parts unknown, the trees closer. Then the elf noticed what he had hoped to never see. His worst fears were confirmed, as the druid had obviously spotted them and was watching. Vines were firing down the valley sides from the advancing trees, moving to their position.

”Be still! The more you struggle, the worse it will be. The vines will pass.”

They froze, indeed, as the vines overtook them like a pack of constrictor snakes, gingerly exploring their feet and ankles. Occasionally a light squeeze would be felt, and it was all they could do to wince and avoid heavy breaths. After what seemed like a while, the vines did leave them alone. But the trees were performing a new behavior, dancing about in a way none of them had ever witnessed before. Soon the very mountainside was rumbling, Stormcrow struggling to remember what this could be. YOYOY tapped him on the shoulder.

”Yes?”

“A mud slick is one thing, but a mud slide is another. To our west. You have a plan?”

The elf was unnerved by his eerily calm demeanor, his eyes now lacking any indication of life or soul. His moods seemed to ebb and flow now, a part of him fighting off the worst attacks of possession. Stormcrow drew a carving knife and arrow, beginning to etch an ancient script into its shaft.

”If you’re right, there’s not much time. Tell the others to brace themselves.”

YOYOY nodded and obeyed, Stormcrow frantically working towards the correct rune. If he failed, they’d surely perish. The time came, as the threat of the mud slide became visibly obvious, cascading down the hill, gaining power at an unnatural rate, obviously derived of foul magic. The wave of death bore down upon them, the group tightening into a ring, each unknowing of what to do.

Stormcrow cried out as the mudslide hit the valley floor, firing his enchanted arrow. The projectile penetrated the wall of advancing death, and exploded in odd fashion, the force staying behind without the needless waste of flame. The effect was a cone of safety, enshrouding the shocked fellowship as the mud traveled around them, soon leveling across the valley, no longer a threat. Drexlin was breathing rapidly.

“So, we’re safe, right?”

”I doubt it.”

“Bugs.”

”What?”

“I would suggest flailing about and not letting them bite.”

“Oh… my… Todd…”

They could only watch for a moment as the cloud darker than the very one derived of storm descended upon them, with an infinite buzzing that enveloped their very being. Each cried out in horror and desperation as they thrashed about, for every dozen insects slain a thousand to replace them.

Through turns and winces and frantic arm waving, each managed to discern YOYOY, standing perfectly still. The bugs overtook him, soon entirely enshrouding his body. They had no time to wonder, no time to ask, as boils began to form on their bodies, searing pain, fatigue, and nausea setting in. Then YOYOY spoke, in a voice that replaced the fever with chills and the pain with utter numbness.

”I am not interested in the lesser beings, nor in the soulless beasts. This battle is not yours. Begone, meaningless creations of a lesser god!”

And with that, they did. Every single insect fell to the ground, forming a thick layer beneath them. Every step would now mark the crunching of thousands of bug corpses. Even CardinalFang had a wretched expression after withdrawing his foot to find it covered in bug guts. However, he then shrugged and began to lick it all off.

The others stared at the scribe, whose eyes were now burning red, a raging fury in his clenched fists. They backed away, except Stormcrow, who was running about in a frenzy.

”Show yourself, druid of the mountain pass!”

“So be it!”

A large figure leapt out of the trees from the distance, flying through the air in amazing fashion before landing directly in front of them. He bore a malicious grin before knocking Stormcrow aside with his staff.

“Surely you have better than that. What of you, second-string archer?”

Yewbow growled and fired, the arrow limply penetrating the druid’s flesh. He merely plucked it out, shrugging as the wound healed itself. Staff twirled and robes danced as the figure leapt over the rest, striking yewbow with a massive blow, his body driven into the layer of insect corpses.

DarkKnightZach let out a battle cry and leapt to the druid from behind, digging his daggers deep into his adversary’s shoulders. The druid laughed, rapidly spinning, the motion forcing Zach to withdraw, daggers left behind.

YOYOY sighed and shook his head.

“He’s DruidOverlord. None of us are Overlords. We haven’t a chance. Me, I’m just a Warlord. That’s how it works in Lore, whether in game or jest.”

NirvanaTool almost gave a bratty comeback, but instead elected to run headlong into any hiding he could find. The druidic overlord turned to the scribe.

“The Chronicler! A pleasure to slay you. Forgive me if I’m not the least bit respectful about it. Ever since you took a dive off the deep en-AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

The Overlord fell forward, slamming into the ground face-first, bugs or no bugs, he hit hard. Something had hit him with incredible force, and now repeated again, driving his body in such a way that it slid through insect and mud alike. The saving figure was yelling and cursing and muttering at the foul druid, obviously angered. He stood on the being’s chest and with a final blow, burst forth the druid’s skull like a giant watermelon. Various body matter splattered back onto him, but he could only laugh heartily.

DarkGuardian turned to the group, cleaning off his mighty mallet, his horrible hammer, his stupendous sledge.

“If I’d known you boys were showing up for a visit, I would’ve cleared the way a bit better. My apologies.”

The heroic dwarf grinned, somehow standing taller than the others, who could only stare in awe. The others followed in silence, until entering the great city.

*

© Eric Bailey

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