Chapter X - Interlude
StevenV looked out across the desolate wastefland, frowning, mouth agape, eyes unsure whether to squint or pop out. ‘’’ Hey! Mappy! Bring it here! ‘’’
A peg-legged imp hobbled over, patch over his eye, apparently a being of the Sailor trait. A rarity. StevenV treated him well, as long as he tended the map in a pleasing manner. However, leading the Indestructible Jonah Battalion into a desolate wasteland wasn’t exactly a pleasing performance.
‘How’d we end up here’’? Arrr…gh! I haven’t the foggiest, me maps were working yestarday! ‘’’
‘Mappy’ then fell over backwards, tripping on a dirt mound during his nervous little dance around StevenV. Steve rolled his eyes, coughing due to the resulting dust cloud. Looking down to make sure Mappy was okay, he noticed something glimmering in the newly opened mound.
‘’‘What’s this? What, yer never seen a peg leg before, matey? No, you idiot, that… ‘’’ Steve bent over, pulling the object free from its bondage. Rubbing it revealed it to be a viewing orb, a crytal ball, a very nice find.
Steve frowned again. ‘’‘Good work, Mappy. Arr? ‘’’
He walked away from the rest of the troops, to enjoy his new toy alone. Sitting against a large rock, he looked into the ball, but only to see… nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He shook the magic item, only to have a blue triangle appear in it with the words OUTLOOK DOUBTFUL.
He cursed under his breath, soon in a perhaps heat-induced frenzy. ‘Show me something! Show me anything’’! ‘’’ The little swirly ball actually seemed to sigh as its clouds formed to show a moving image. A battle, a fierce battle, Archer’s Army against a small band of adventurers. Apparently though, an elite band of adventurers.
Steven shook his head, wishing he was there to help. But nooooooo, Mappy was probably holding the flippin’ map upside down… I distinctly heard Archer say south by the wayward sliver. Sliver meaning the tiny forest of EverGreenDestiny.
He then sat up, as if a lightning bolt nailed him in his very mind.
Or maybe he said wayward river...
He shook the feeling off and checked the battle, wincing at the carnage. He then looked around for the remote to change the channel, a second later realizing that this was a preposterous idea.
So he grinned, addressing the ball again.
Show me… General.
The mists bound in the sphere swirled again, and promptly showed the General realm, and again, a battle was raging.
No, no… a war, with many battles, the utter horridness of it all making Archer’s battle seem like a mere disagreement.
He covered his eyes with an arm, shouting NO! No more, please! I mean, c’mon, let’s just assume you’re all idiots?!? Behlial isn’t broken, it’s just easiest to win with him?!? Archer’s a hermaphrodite?!? Oh, the horror! Show me something else, the MOD lounge if you must!
The ball shuddered in his hands, but managed to flash forth a grand vision of a meeting going on between various Mods to discuss an ‘issue’ at hand, while Archer sat in a jacuzzi or something, and Steven could’ve sworn he was surrounded by beautiful women, and it was filled with champagne, and-
And the ball cracked, burst into flames, and exploded, blackening Steve’s exterior, smoke trailing out of his air, he might as well have been trying to catch the Road Runner.
Before the last ash drifted into nothingness, a faint voice uttered unauthorized…
StevenV sighed a sigh so deep as to never be quite fully fathomed or appreciated by the denizens of Anything.
Mappy ran over to him, apparently having heard the explosion, tripping over a pebble on his way.
D’oh! I mean, arr, what’s the matter… ye?...?
StevenV blankly looked over at his right-hand man, only able to mutter It’s all your fault.
The post-explosion leader of the Jonah Battalion rose to his feet, dusting himself off as best as he could. Mappy cowered under his gaze, Sorry, cap’n. I’ll do better next time, aye.
StevenV shook his head. Yeah, let’s get out of here.
He walked over to the rest of his troops, who cheers triumphantly at knowing their valiant commander was alive.
Steve smiled. March!
And they did.
Mappy shrugged. Where were we, anyway?
Steve shrugged in return. Don’t know, don’t care.
2 miles south in the barren desert, a crab walked up to a lion and cried Beware the Nezumi! The lion rolled his eyes.
© Eric Bailey